Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
