i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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