I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
