You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
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