if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize