I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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