Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
