dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
