Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
