if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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