I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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