i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
