The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
