Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize