I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
