Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize