Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
