i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize