I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
