i permit you to call me
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
