Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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