just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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