I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
