I met the friendliest cop last night
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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