My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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