Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
