i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
there's paper in my vomit.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
