I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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