I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
