Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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