i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i used baking grease as lip gloss
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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