Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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