dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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