What a fucking waste of an outfit
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
