so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I could make wine with my vomit
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
