I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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