remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
