My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
