I'm gonna have a badass scar
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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