I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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