I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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