when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
