did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
