I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
