We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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