i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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