You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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