Apparently you make a good broom.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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