MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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