I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
