she kept yelling 'call me bella'
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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