I'm gonna have a badass scar
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
