I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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