so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
