Just cropdusted the office
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
