dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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