nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
