I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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