and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
