I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
