I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
