In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
