Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
